Apologizing is Overrated

So, I have kids. Obviously. And these kids fight. A lot.
Well, today, we had one of those fights. Aedyn was on Zachary's bed and he wanted her off. So, he shoved her off.
Don't worry, she caught herself...

...with her face.

I hear screaming and rush into their room to see her there with a bloody nose and him sitting in the corner looking simultaneous smug and guilty...an expression he has perfected.

So, after the bleeding stopped, he comes out and sits next to her and says, "I am going to draw you a picture so you know I am sorry and it will be all better."

I turned to him with an expression of pure bewilderment. Apparently I had some parenting to do.

Apologizing does not make things all better. Saying that you are sorry does not heal wounds, physical or emotional. It just doesn't, and to think that it does is just foolish and immature.

Now, Zachary is only six, so he is allowed to have moments of foolishness and immaturity....and those are the moments we parents need to step up and teach.

I find that kids, mine at least, respond well to visual aids. So, let me introduce you to my method.

I take a perfectly smooth and white piece of printer paper and show it to them.

This paper is a brand new baby. Flawless. Perfect. Undamaged.

Now, this baby grows into a child and then an adult and over the years they get told some mean words. They get called stupid and lazy and selfish.

So now those words have damaged this flawless human being. Look at those ugly words.
Now, let's say those people who said those things apologize for saying them. They try to erase them, if you will.

Did erasing work? No, of course not. It may have lessened the sting a little bit, but those words are forever engrained on this person's heart, faded, but definitely there and those words will sneak up on them in their moments of weakness.


Not. Cool.


Now, over the years, they were also pushed and kicked and hit by others. Let's say there was a bully in school and they got into a few tussle with their brother as well.

Ouch. That looks like it hurts.

Well, the bully finds them on Facebook and sends them an apology to assuage their guilt and they are now the best of friends with their brother. So, let's smooth that paper back out.

Oh no...it isn't as smooth as it was before. Let's try even harder to flatten it back out.

Nope...not happening. This paper is never going to be the same as it was before. Just look at the difference here.

Saying sorry doesn't make it all better.

It. Just. Doesn't.

Forgiveness can heal a lot of things, but that hasn't worked it's way into the paper model, yet. I'm working on it.

So, please...stop teaching your kids that apologies fix everything. It's unrealistic. They are a necessary part of healing that relationship, but they definitely do not make everything all better.

How about instead, we take the time to teach our kiddos that being mean is never okay and that we ought to love our neighbors?
That sounds much better to me.

What do you think of the paper model? How would you work forgiveness into it?